Happiness, or the process of finding it

Recently, I was told that a friend of mine is exploring the Catholic faith.

I think it's wonderful that my friend is looking at the Catholic church. A lot of people have a negative perception of the Catholic church because of what they see in the media, or because of Catholics by birth...or something like that. People who seek out the church and wind up in the Catholic tradition are different, as are those who are real Catholics and practice their faith genuinely. I went to a Catholic Mass once, and I had a really good, spiritual experience. Like...I cried because of how moved I felt. As long as my friend is figuring things out and seeking the will of God for his/her life...not on his/her own wild tangent, or trying to stifle him/herself, or trying to impress others, or trying not to disappoint others....

I'm trying to do the same thing. I'm realizing that I'm happier now that I'm allowing myself to express who I really am. For so long, I've been trying not to disappoint other people; I've been trying to be someone that I simply am not. I started to realize who I really am whilst at university, and I started allowing myself to express the things that I've kept hidden from everyone since forever ago. Certainly, I took it too far here and there, but it's bound to happen, and it's good that it happened. I got burned, but I got tougher because of those burns. I don't regret anything that I've done in the past five years because I see the value in those experiences, and I learned something each time. Slowly but surely, I'll continue to explore myself, explore God, and see why God has allowed certain things to happen to me...figure out what I'm supposed to do with these cards that I've been dealt. No matter what, I intend to make God happy, and to serve Him by serving others, and to live as rich a life as I can; that is the direction that I want to go in. I'll make a million mistakes, but as long as I learn at least one lesson from each mistake, then I consider it fair game. I still have a number of tests to put myself through, and I still have limitations on what I will and will not do (and I'm a poet but didn't know it). I am most certainly not abandoning all of the past and all of the morals and values that I've been taught and practised over the years; I'm simply colo(u)ring in the framework. I'm still figuring out what I think about this issue and that...how far is too far...what is right, what is wrong, and what is simply okay....

I don't mean any of this in just one or two ways...I mean that I am experiencing an overhaul of thoughts and ideas. I'm realizing my strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats, as well as my identity and my being. This isn't an experience of, "Well, now I think this rather than that," or something; this is much more meaningful than a simple alteration of what was once. In some ways, I'm going back to square-one, or somewhere between there and where I am now.... Somewhere in all of this is a new perspective of God. Something has changed in how I see my Creator, Redeemer, and Guide, but I don't know what has changed....

I'm going to return to the States (eventually) and surprise a lot of people with the new thoughts and ideas that some people are going to think is because of the English society or European culture corrupting me or something like that. This I promise: it is the experience whilst in England that has allowed me to truly take a critical look at myself, my God, and my faith, and put these three together to form the true Billy. I'm happier now than I was three months ago, and I'll be more happy in three months than I am now.

I feel like I talk about myself too much.

...and I'm hungry. My lust (yes, LUST) for Ben and Jerry's will NEVER change.

...and I need to go to bed. It's almost 4am....