FAR FAR FAR too long!!

Dear Folks,
I'm so bad at keeping up with this. I really need to do this every few days, honestly. I'm really sorry for not updating this as often as I should.

Christmas was enjoyable. I was here at Yeldall Manor. Christmas Eve was a bit of a normal day...well, more like half of a normal day. We started off doing some work, but then the staff kind of stopped working and we ended up sitting around talking about Christmas, what our plans were, traditions, exchanging Christmas stories, etc. In the evening, we watched a few movies and called it a night. No big.
Christmas Day was a big deal. We started the day off with gifts. There was a HUGE tree that was put in the Fellowship Room (gorgeous), and gifts that some of the staff had bought the residents were placed underneath. One of the residents dressed as Santa (yes, Santa...not Father Christmas). When a resident's name was called (or a staff, or a volunteer), he/she sat in Santa's lap, had a photo taken, and then collected the gift. It was fun. :-)

Then there was the food. There were two large dining room tables full of food. Everything from stuffing (not the same as what Americans consider stuffing, by the way), carrots, broccoli, brussel sprouts (yuck), pigs in blankets, cabbage (funny how I stuck the pork in with the vegitables), lamb, roast beef, yorkshire puddings, gravy, bread, prawns (or shrimp), and a few other yummies. Dear Lord...it was wonderful. OH, and potatoes (mashed and roasted) and parsnips. Have you ever had a parsnip? They're delightful.

The rest of the Christmas holiday went nicely. I had a good time, watching movies, talked to the family via Skype, and relaxed.

A few days later, I left for Edinburgh, Scotland, for Hogmanay (that is, New Years). I met my friend James (or Baby Jamos as he is called by the Americans who know him best). Hogmanay, if you have never been, is an experience that one must have. I recommend Edinburgh as your city for Hogmanay because I love Edinburgh, and because the street party is incredible. Glasgow, Inverness, and Aberdeen (I think Aberdeen...) all have incredible parties as well. Book your flight plans and purchase your tickets NOW! And take plenty of photos, and be ready for a crowd...and lots of alcohol...and maybe even drugs (I saw two guys snorting Cocaine in the porta-johns!).

I was sick for the five days after I got back from Hogmanay. Cold or something like that. I was afraid that I might have contracted the Swine Flu...but I didn't turn into a pig, so all was well.

Since then, I've been doing a fair amount of work in Admissions and Referrals. I help the department staff process applications, send out information to refferrers and potential clients, and I collect information about potential clients...updating the database with new information, etc. This is a lot of office-y, administrative work, which I LOVE. I have known for a while that I want to do administrative duties for a non-profit, and I know that I want to do non-profit work with a Christian organization that works between the Church (universal) and marginalized people doing social justice work. If you had asked me two years ago if I would ever think about doing something like that, I would have given you a hearty NO for an answer. I'm realizing that there is a need, and I want to be a part of a movement that challenges the Church's and society's views on certain issues, and pushes the Church and society to make changes, to practice what they preach, and to love and to serve the individual and the group because every individual human is a person of worth, capable of more than what he or she is currently doing, loved by God...worthwhile...and accepted by God just as they are. One does not have to become something before running to God; RUN TO GOD first, and God will do the rest!

That said, I'm struggling at the moment with a number of things. What do I really believe? Where am I supposed to go? What is the purpose of this and that? How do I get to where I need to be? How did I get to where I am now? When? What? Who?

So many questions, so many concerns....

I continue to miss a lot of people...chances are if YOU are reading this, I miss you. I miss my friends, family.... Last week I realized that I miss Atlanta.

To be crypic (which I apparently am really good at being), I don't know what I'm supposed to do after this year is finished. I'm keeping my options open, and I'll see what happens. I'm going to leave all of this in God's capable hands. Whatever happens after this year is finished, I won't be disappointed. God's will be done....

It's tea break, and then after that is Fellowship. I need to straighten up the training room where I've been making massive amounts of copies.

Love to you all, and I'll be updating more often. Send a e-mail or post a comment!!

Billy Xx

God and Math

It has been far too long since my last post, and I apologize for that. I've had a lot of things going on...most of them not really worth noting...that have been keeping me from actually sitting down to post something new.

...But I'm on duty right now, so I have most all of the time in the world. :-)

So here I am.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of different things...perhaps some would call it, "The Mathematics of God and the Christian Faith." By this I mean the pontificating of questions such as, "Was Jesus always the Christ? If not, when did He become God in human form?" Questions like, "When we are moved by the Holy Ghost to worship, does that mean that God is worshipping Himself? If so, why would God worship Himelf?" I love thinking about these convoluted theories and ideas of God. There's no way I could ever understand some of these questions and their answers, and some things one just has to accept as being true or false, real or unreal, good, bad, and simply okay.

...That's something else that we tend to do as humans. When we think of opposites, we think of good vs. evil, love vs. hate, etc. What is the true opposite of good? Is it really evil, or is it simply not good? What is the opposite of love? Is it hate, or is it to not love? What is hate? What is evil? Where is there middle ground? Do some things not fit on the spectrum of good and evil, love and hate?

Personally, I think we muddle things up...create broad lines and boxes that keep things at a manageable level. Perhaps there are some things that God doesn't actually care about. Perhaps we, as humanity, come up with things because of our limited understanding...and because we don't like some of these things, we decide that God doesn't like them. Or, perhaps we force God to view certain things as good and right because we see them as being good and right. Does this mean that we are putting words into God's mouth when He has, through humanity, made known some of His identity...some of His relationship with humanity.... Perhaps God does not view certain things as good and not good, or evil and not evil. Perhaps there are some things that God sees as being simply...OKAY.

The ideas that are released when discussing the Bible are interesting ones as well. God clearly inspired the writers of the various books of what we now know as being the Bible (Old and New Testament). Humanity wrote the words, and interpreted the words based on what they saw, heard, felt, and understood. Humanity translated the words from the original language into the various other languages (and continues to do so as best as it can, and as accurately as it can). Humanity believed it was necessary to edit what would and what would not be included in the various Christian Bibles (to include the apocrapha or not the include the apocrapha? What parts of the apocrapha to include, and what not to include? Which Gospels are "gnostic" and which are "legit?"). There are a million things that we, as humans, have done, and continue to do, that define what is and what is not Christianity.

What about God? When do we allow Him to tell us what is and what is not Christianity? When do we allow him to set the parameters of our faith? Surely to Him, we should do this all day, every day of every week of every month of every year of our life once we have personally committed our life to God. When do we take the reigns of our faith in Him? When do we take the reigns in general? Often, we feel it necessary to judge others...to practice justice. If someone murders a million people, we feel it necessary to give that person the death penalty. What if we allowed God to take care of that person? What if we allowed God to be the judge...to practice justice? What if we did what we knew should be done to protect society...incarcerate the perpetrator and not let him/her out? What if we truely went before the Lord and asked Him when we should let a certain perpetrator out? What if we didn't have set rules...set policies...set lengths of time to punish someone...but we took each incident and situation on a case-by-case basis and only doing so with the leadership of God? Basically what I'm describing here is a true theocracy...a situation of Jesus for President, if you will.

Ha...what if all of the Christians of the world wrote in Jesus for president, prime minister, or whatever the title is for the head hauncho of the political realm of a country?

These are questions that I have often wondered. I have all of the time in the world to ponder these questions. It's not like these questions actually do anything to make me more or less Christian; these are questions that one can ponder just because. One ought to know that the answers may never come, or that answers may be so complex that they're incapable of being understood (like where did God come from, and how long has He been there...whereever "there" is?). Some answers may be inaccurate, and should not have any faith or belief placed in them. They're simply ideas. They're thoughts. They're purely for intellectual challenge, and not for the purpose of trying to understand God, because we'll never do that, and we should never understand God. Perhaps we shouldn't try to understand God. When I ask myself these questions, I don't do so for the purpose of trying to understand God; I do it just because I'm bored, and I start thinking, and eventually thoughts lead to questions of "high theology" or the mathematics...the theories...the philosophies of God.

I feel like I'm becoming a heretic. In some way, I am a heretic. In some ways, I challenge the beliefs of many Christians. That's okay. I don't want to fit into a box. I don't want to put a label on myself. Labels are something else that humans created and have decided to continue to practice. I know why we do it: it's because it makes things easier for us to understand. When we decide to scrap the label-making system and look at people as the individuals we are, it's harder to process, harder to keep up with, BUT it means that we see a wider variety...a more colorful group...a fuller spectrum...a well-rounded view of humanity and creation.

Am I confusing the trousers of anyone?

Happiness, or the process of finding it

Recently, I was told that a friend of mine is exploring the Catholic faith.

I think it's wonderful that my friend is looking at the Catholic church. A lot of people have a negative perception of the Catholic church because of what they see in the media, or because of Catholics by birth...or something like that. People who seek out the church and wind up in the Catholic tradition are different, as are those who are real Catholics and practice their faith genuinely. I went to a Catholic Mass once, and I had a really good, spiritual experience. Like...I cried because of how moved I felt. As long as my friend is figuring things out and seeking the will of God for his/her life...not on his/her own wild tangent, or trying to stifle him/herself, or trying to impress others, or trying not to disappoint others....

I'm trying to do the same thing. I'm realizing that I'm happier now that I'm allowing myself to express who I really am. For so long, I've been trying not to disappoint other people; I've been trying to be someone that I simply am not. I started to realize who I really am whilst at university, and I started allowing myself to express the things that I've kept hidden from everyone since forever ago. Certainly, I took it too far here and there, but it's bound to happen, and it's good that it happened. I got burned, but I got tougher because of those burns. I don't regret anything that I've done in the past five years because I see the value in those experiences, and I learned something each time. Slowly but surely, I'll continue to explore myself, explore God, and see why God has allowed certain things to happen to me...figure out what I'm supposed to do with these cards that I've been dealt. No matter what, I intend to make God happy, and to serve Him by serving others, and to live as rich a life as I can; that is the direction that I want to go in. I'll make a million mistakes, but as long as I learn at least one lesson from each mistake, then I consider it fair game. I still have a number of tests to put myself through, and I still have limitations on what I will and will not do (and I'm a poet but didn't know it). I am most certainly not abandoning all of the past and all of the morals and values that I've been taught and practised over the years; I'm simply colo(u)ring in the framework. I'm still figuring out what I think about this issue and that...how far is too far...what is right, what is wrong, and what is simply okay....

I don't mean any of this in just one or two ways...I mean that I am experiencing an overhaul of thoughts and ideas. I'm realizing my strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats, as well as my identity and my being. This isn't an experience of, "Well, now I think this rather than that," or something; this is much more meaningful than a simple alteration of what was once. In some ways, I'm going back to square-one, or somewhere between there and where I am now.... Somewhere in all of this is a new perspective of God. Something has changed in how I see my Creator, Redeemer, and Guide, but I don't know what has changed....

I'm going to return to the States (eventually) and surprise a lot of people with the new thoughts and ideas that some people are going to think is because of the English society or European culture corrupting me or something like that. This I promise: it is the experience whilst in England that has allowed me to truly take a critical look at myself, my God, and my faith, and put these three together to form the true Billy. I'm happier now than I was three months ago, and I'll be more happy in three months than I am now.

I feel like I talk about myself too much.

...and I'm hungry. My lust (yes, LUST) for Ben and Jerry's will NEVER change.

...and I need to go to bed. It's almost 4am....

Week Five!!

Hello, Everyone!

Week five is down. I've had so many incredible experiences...I don't really know where to begin.

I've managed to lose 5kgs, which is about 12 pounds. That's quite a feat seeing as the food at Yeldall Manor is AMAZING. I've also started jogging. In fact, tomorrow I'm going to jog with one of the residents, but instead of doing the normal "cross country," we're going to go back and forth in the backyard. I guess you could call it "touch sprints" or something like that. 'Til be good...and I won't like it...but I'll be buzzin' afterwards.

I went to a conference a few weeks ago and met volunteers from ALL over. Mainly Europe, but there were two people from South Korea and one other volunteer from the States. Most of the volunteers were German, but there were a number from Hungary as well. A good time was had, and I'm so glad that I'm here...doing what I'm doing...meeting all of these people...having this incredible experience.

Last week I was in Wales on holiday with the lads. We went on a hike, did a high ropes course, and did an indoor wall climbing...thing. I have never screamed so much for the good Lord as when I was on the high ropes course. I sang "Jesus Loves the Little Children," and not because I was filled with the Spirit but because I was scared out of my mind. The sheep in Wales were all over the place. There's probably more sheep than people. The landscape is...unbeatable. If someone ever tells you that they're going to give you a trip to Wales, TAKE IT.

I'm still looking for a church to go to regularly, but I've found one church that I think I'm going to go to. Wycliff Baptist in Reading, which has a good young adult group. In fact, I've been hanging out with some of them, and I'm going to go out with a few later tonight.

Mmm...actually, I need to take a shower and get ready to go. I have to bike to the Twyford Train Station, which is 2.5 miles from where I am, and a good 15 minutes. I'm so scare that I'm going to be hit by a car because people don't drive in a straight line here. The lines separating the lanes are more of a guideline than an actual rule...a suggestion rather than a law.

Keep on keepin' on, KIDS!!

Another Good Week Down

Friday is here, which marks the end of Week Two.

Thus far, I have learned so much. I really should start a list of all of the things that I've learned. I've learned all kinds of things about God, humanity, and why fires start at one end of the room and suddenly ignite on the other end without the fire from end A moving to end B.

I know that last bit doesn't make a whole lot of sense...but...whatever.

I've been pushed, too. Like...physically, spiritually, mentally.... I have been thinking about a lot of different things lately, like who I am, what I am, why I am, how I am, blah blah blah. I've also been jogging with another volunteer and one of the residents, which has been whooping me. BUT, I have lost some weight (both the scale and a resident told me that today), AND I'm getting better. The jogging is for about 1.5 miles, and I am able to gently jog about 3/4 of it. I can't believe that...after four times of going for the jog.... AND, this isn't all flat jogging; it's up a few hills and traversing through a field and up a driveway a down a rural road.... I feel good about it, but I feel better once I've had my shower and washed all of the gross off.

Speaking of gross, one thing that I did NOT enjoy about this week happened today. The staff watched this video on the spread of infection diseases, and how to stop the spread of them, and that sort of stuff. I'm so freaked out right now about anything and everything that I touch, and I'm afraid that I'm going to get some parasite or bacteria or virus or something that hasn't been discovered yet and it is neither parasite nor bacteria nor virus. GAH!

Ha ha...and late last week I was freaking out because I was coughing a lot and I had some cold-like symptoms and I thought I was getting swine flu. I started freaking out and I didn't want to tell anyone that I was getting swine flu because I don't want to be quarantined like in that movie...which just happens to be called "Quarantine," and be shoved in to an autoclave and have doctors from around the world poke and prod and inject stuff into me and do experiments. I know this sounds like I'm describing an extraterrestrial abduction, doesn't it?

Back to my fear of contracting swine flu. I calmed down long enough to take a dose of Nyquil, then a dose of Dayquil (all when appropriate), and I felt fine. So, I'm not going to be tested on, and I'm not going to be quarantined, and I'm not going to turn into a pig, either.

Tomorrow, two other volunteers and I are going to Windsor Castle, and maybe to Oxford. It will be so nice to go out with some of the other volunteers and have a merry time. Then on Sunday, I'm going with some of the other volunteers, staff, and maybe some residents to London's O2 stadium...thing...and see Hillsong lead worship for a ten year anniversary or something or other. I'm looking forward to that, too. Then Monday through Thursday, I'll be going on my first conference to London. This one is a meeting of a lot of the Time For God volunteers, and it's a sort of orientation/welcome to the UK and our awesome English culture. On Friday, I go to a workshop-type thing where I'll learn about the care of medicines and dispensing them and how to be careful about medicines and things like that.

That reminds me about two things: A) I opened a bank account in the England this week, which means that I'm able to establish some credit in the UK, which is incredible, and I'm kind of excited and kind of nervous about that, but I'm more excited about it than anything, and (B) I may be able to get some certification in Care Ministry and other things like that through working at Yeldall Manor and attending various conferences, which Yeldall will pay for.

In TWO weeks, I MIGHT be able to go with the residents and some of the staff to Wales for Holiday. AH!! I'm freaking out about that! The residents (and me, if I'm able to go) will do all kinds of fun things, but I don't know what we'll be doing, and it will be loads of fun, and I'm so excited about the posibility of me going.

...And I still need to find a church for me, and I still need to learn how to drive a manual vehicle. Driving in England won't be as difficult as I think it will be...because basically I just drive until I'm forced to stop for some reason, and I change lanes whenever I feel like it, and I go as fast as I please, and I can be as aggressive as I want. I'm kidding about most of that...but when I do start driving, I will have to be a more aggressive driver than I am in The States. When it's meal time at Yeldall Manor, there is no politely saying, "Oh, you get some carrots first, and then I'll get some." No, when you want carrots, you get carrots as soon as you can, even if you have to crawl across the table to get to the carrots, battling it out against those who are also going for the carrots, and the potatoes, and the Shepherd's Pie. Meal times can be brutal at Yeldall if you aren't careful.

So...I still need to find a church, and I would like to find a social group outside of Yeldall. I like the idea of going to one of the local universities and joining a group there, or something like that. I really haven't seen many people who look like they're about my age...and London is too far for me to go each week for a coffee or a tea.

That's it. I'm done for tonight.

EXCEPT, here's my address:

Billy Jones

Yeldall Manor

Blakes Lane

Hare Hatch

Reading

RG10 9XR

United Kingdom

I'm so proud of these men.

Folks, I am working alongside a group of very lucky individuals.

These people are changing lives, little bit by little bit. The residents don't like some of the things that are going on, and some of the residents resist the efforts, and they get angry, and they try to make life easier by cheating, and all kinds of other dramatic things go on regularly....

BUT...

The men that the staff at Yeldall Manor works for are incredible. I am so proud of each and every one of these men who have put the world on hold and taken time to get their lives back on track.... These men are incredible. I don't know how to describe the feeling that I have when I think about the amount of growth that some of these men must have experienced before I arrived. The stories that some of these men have to tell are funny, but others are traumatic. It's a wonder they aren't dead, some of these guys. I can't believe that the world is such a terrible place, but I can't believe the light that shines out of the cracks and crevices that exist in the imperfect darkness.

One of the residents told me today that he's so thankful that I'm here, and that he really enjoys having me, and that he isn't aware of any other volunteer quite like me (I can believe that, seeing as I'm a bit off my nut). He told me that he hasn't heard one bad thing about me from the other residents, and that others agree with him that I'm doing a great job and that they like me and that I've assimilated well into their culture and their family. Even though I don't have a history of drug addiction or alcoholism, and even though I don't smoke, and even though I haven't been arrested or in any sort of trouble with the law, I am still able to relate to these men and make jokes and offer encouragement and express myself properly and show God to these men...some of whom have God, and some of whom do not. There are many men who are thinking about God...trying to figure things out. I encourage their questions, and I encourage them to find their own answers.

It's 1:11 AM here, but I absolutely had to take some time to just say that Yeldall Manor has some incredible residents, and an incredible staff who loves the residents...even if the residents don't understand or don't like what the staff is doing.

Week One: COMPLETE

The end of week one is upon me, and I have really found this place to be a good place. I am comfortable with the residents and with most of the staff. There are still some staff that I'm a bit nervous around, and there are some that I still haven't met or been formally introduced to. I have found a group of guys that I can talk to and have a good time with. I support them, and they support me as well. A number of them ask me how I'm doing during the day, teach me something new (like how to do a proper trimming job on the hedges, or how to play pool like a pro, or something like that). I can have conversations with them about a number of different things, and we can share details with each other. They understand that I have never used drugs or been an alcoholic or been arrested or in trouble with the law, but I think they also understand that I'm here, not to judge, but to serve and to learn and to support them and give them something that others can not. I don't know what that "other" thing is that I have to offer, but I'm sure that I'll discover it at some point.

I'm also being pushed by the residents. Yesterday, Darren, one of the volunteers here, asked me if I wanted to go for a jog. It was him and two residents going for about a mile and a half. I reluctantly said yes. I had a really hard time, but "Mike" was incredibly supportive, patient, and told me that he would walk with me as long as I like. I told him that I would need for him to push me some, or I would walk the whole way, and that's not what I should do. He did just that: he pushed me, and when I wanted to walk, he would get behind me and litterally push me so that I had to jog some more. I finally had to stop jogging and tell him that my legs were about to fall off and my heart was about to pack its bags and jump out of my chest. Mike understood, and he just kept walking with me.

Then I gave my first chit today. Chits are like a documentation of a violation. When someone breaks a rule, or shows disrespect, or doesn't perform up to standards, staff have to write out a chit and then hand it to the resident. It's not fun, and I've seen and heard a number of residents get aggravated, even angry, over them. I understand where they come from, but at the same time, I understand where the staff comes from. It's a part of my job, so I have to do it.

So when I gave my first chit, it was to one of the new residents...like he got here this past Wednesday. I pulled him aside, explained why I had to issue the chit, and handed it to him. He said he understood, took the chit, and walked away. PHEW. I didn't get a boot in the face.

Everything is going well. I'm still waiting to hit the wall and realize that this isn't Fantasy Land, but I really am on another continent, in another country, and doing everyday stuff here. I really am weeding, and trimming, and eating, and writing, and reading, and walking, and talking and living life in another country. This seems so weird. It's hard to imagine that these guys have been here for a while, and that they would still be here if I weren't here. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "This person who is talking right now would probably be talking about this very thing, even if I weren't here to witness it." Their conversations would still happen, they would still wake up and do their jobs, they would still eat, and they would still do whatever else they do during the day and the night...even if I weren't here. They have always existed...they aren't characters that just appeared on stage for an act in my play....

...And I find myself thinking that all of the people who are back in the states are going about life as if it were normal. Life change is taking place with the many people that I've left, and they're still eating, and they're still walking, and they're still living life. It's so weird to me that there are other cultures and other people in this world. It's so weird to me that 5PM here is 12AM in the States, and that it's 6PM in Paris. This is weird, but I enjoy it immensly. Emmensly. However it's spelled. I wasn't in school that day....

It's almost dinner time. I think we're having fish and chips, which excites me a lot. :-)